Hangovers Are Necessary

Gandhi said, “It is wrong and immoral to seek to escape the consequences of one’s actions.”

Therefore, hangovers are necessary; furthermore, products like Chaser Plus (a pill that promises “freedom from hangovers”) are “wrong and immoral.”

I’m no teetotaler, but neither am I a shortcut artist. If I down twelve beers in one sitting, I want what’s coming to me the following day—lesions and all.

Though science may disagree, a hangover is the body’s way of punishing the mind for its poor decision-making. After a night of heavy drinking, I should not awaken refreshed and clear-headed. Rather, I should come to on a stranger’s couch with burning eyes and a wasted mouth; it should feel like cement is hardening in the furrows of my brain. Anything to the contrary would be an attempt to “escape the consequences of [my] actions.”

For those cowardly enough to take it, Chaser Plus provides that escape, a way to “avoid hangovers before they start.” I don’t know about you, but I have grown weary of escape. I am tired of people running and hiding, shucking and jiving. Just once I’d like to see someone step into the ring of life with no shorts, no gloves, and no protective headgear—and take one right in the mouth.

But this will never happen, because Chaser Plus has tricked us into thinking that we are entitled to pleasure without pain, excess without excrement, fun without fury.

Like nature herself, hangovers are a form of checks and balances, a function of the Department of Physiological Oversight. Their headache and nausea—so feared by the dastardly—keep us honest, humble, and dare I say it: human. Eliminate them, and the orgy will never cease.

And God, how “wrong” that would be.