The Delight of the Couch: A Tale of Frustration in Four Postures

First Posture: The Splitting of a Bamboo

With the boy in their bed, husband and wife lay on the couch, divided by pajamas. They would prefer to be naked, but the apartment is too cold for that. It’s a matter of insulation, something to take up with the landlord the next time he comes around.

Nevertheless, a kiss: tight-lipped, hesitant, lacking amore. (Light from the kitchen falls on the dining room table, the fruit bowl empty of apples.)

He slides a hand beneath her shirt, hoping for reception. Since the birth of their son three years ago, she has become self-conscious about the sagginess of her breasts. She now has a tendency of saying, “When you make it big, you can pay for a lift. After the lipo, of course.”

Of course.

One of the cats leaps onto the windowsill and pokes its head through the blinds. Soon it is caught and making a racket; for sure it will wake the child. The man steams over, grabs the cat by its hind quarters, and pulls it free of the blinds, two of which break in the rescue.

“That’s your own fault for leaving them down,” says the wife, covering herself with a blanket. “You know how he likes to look out.”

“Yeah, but now everybody can see in,” says the husband, reluctantly raising the blinds.

“See what?” asks the wife, and lifts the blanket for him to get under.

Some Ways of Not Being Bored

There are several ways of not being bored, many of which are boring. But there are other ways of not being bored that are actually quite exciting. For example:

Prostitution – This involves having sex for money with random people you meet on the street. You are constantly on the run from the law, and are expected to work in all conditions of weather. You mainly work at night, a period of extended darkness and relaxed moral codes. Suffice it to say, prostitution is not for the faint of heart, but its rewards far outweigh its dangers.

Rooftop Surveillance – This requires pulling down a fire escape ladder and climbing to the top of an apartment building, preferably one that is condemned. You can see the whole city from up there, not to mention the bedrooms of both men and ladies. There is usually a buffet of mangy tennis balls from which to choose, and at least one or two pigeon carcasses.

Stevie Wandering – This is not a mockery of blind people, but a commentary on how blind seeing people are to the plight of blind people. It calls on you to live out small parts of your day with your eyes closed. Darkness makes of the world a joyously impossible place. The biggest fun comes when you venture outside. The remaining four sense organs kick into high gear, along with the cars at the intersection.

To summarize, having sex for money on a rooftop with your eyes closed is the most effective way of killing boredom—and, if you're not careful, yourself.